My Heart Belongs in Crescent Head Page 2

  “Mum, can you take Jai home? He’s tired and needs his nap,” she asked her mother.

  Ros was gathering up flowers to put in the car and Jai ran over to her, holding out his arms.

  “OK. When are you coming home?”Ros asked, scooping Jai up in her arms. He struggled and whined.

  “I’ll come home soon. I need to make sure everything is OK here.”

  “See you soon, honey. I know you’re tired. Don’t worry about Jai; he’ll be fine with Nanna. Matt will take us home and he can come back and get you when you’re ready.” She tickled Jai’s tummy and he giggled. “See, he’s happy already.”

  When most of the crowd had said their goodbyes and drifted off, Madison finally felt that she could go home and got out her phone to call her brother. She walked outside to make the call.

  “Madison!”

  She stopped as someone spoke her name. Lucas came up behind her and lightly touched her arm. She hoped he wouldn’t ask how she was going. She’d had to pretend all day that she was fine when someone asked that question. She looked up at him.

  “You look worn out. Can I drive you home?”

  His kindness melted her defences and tears welled, held back all day for the sake of appearances. Here was someone who knew what she needed and understood without explanation.

  “Sorry,” she finally managed. “It’s been a rough day.”

  He nodded sympathetically. “That goes for both of us.”

  She rummaged in her bag for a handkerchief but came up empty-handed. He fished in his pocket and handed her a small pack of tissues.

  “I came prepared,” he said, with a slight grin.

  “How can we even be having this conversation?” she sniffed. “Greg should be here with us. This should be someone else’s funeral!” The tears flowed again and she buried her face in her hands.

  Lucas put his arms around her and pulled her against him. His blue shirt was smooth against her face. “It’s OK to cry,” he said softly. “I’ve been doing my fair share of it too. We both loved him.”

  “I don’t know how I’m going to live without him,” she sobbed, all pretence of normality gone. “He was my rock and my protector. And Jai will probably never even remember his Daddy.”

  Lucas felt his own tears welling at the mention of little Jai. His world was shattered too. There was nothing he could say, so he held her in silence and let her cry.

  Finally, Madison pulled away and looked up at him. She was surprised to see tears in his dark brown eyes.

  “I’m sorry. Here I am, thinking that I’m the only person who’s grieving. You’ve lost your best friend but you’re comforting me. I’m a mess! And I’ve put tears all over your shirt.” She swiped at the wet patch on his chest.

  “It’s OK. It’s only a shirt and it will wash clean. We’re both going through this grief thing and it sucks.”

  They were silent for a moment.

  “You’re not a mess, either." His voice was quiet. “What you’re experiencing is normal. Don’t let anyone put conditions on when or how you grieve.”

  She smiled at him, a tiny wobbly smile that threatened to collapse at any moment. “Greg was lucky to have you for a friend. Thanks for being there for me.”

  As Lucas drove home after dropping Madison off, he couldn’t stop thinking about her and the changes she would have to face. He mulled over their conversation as he got ready for his next shift at work. He wondered if she blamed him for Greg’s death but he hadn’t been able to bring himself to ask. Her words ran through his mind and he answered them the way he wanted to instead of the way he was expected to.

  “Thank you for being there for me.” Oh Madison, if only you knew. Being there is the least I can do for you.

  “I’m a mess.” You’re brave and beautiful. I can never tell you that, but you are.

  “I’ve put tears all over your shirt.” You can have every shirt I own to cry on.

  With a sigh, he shook off the confusing thoughts and headed to work.

  ***

  Two days later, Madison sat at the kitchen table with her mother and stepfather. They were going home in the morning and Joe had something on his mind.

  “Mum and I have talked,” he began. “What would you think about selling up and moving to Sydney? When you’re ready, of course.” He stopped and toyed with a salt shaker.

  Madison watched several white grains of salt fall onto the table, unable to control their destiny. They had no choice in what happened to them and neither did she.

  “You’d be near us and we could help you care for Jai. I guess you’re going to have to go back to work again.” Joe’s words jerked her back to the present.

  It was a bare, flat statement, a slap in the face that reminded her of everything she’d lost. How could her world have turned upside down so completely in a few short days? She’d gone from a mother with a young child to care for to also needing to earn a living for both of them. But she couldn’t blame Joe and her mother for raising the matter; she knew that they were only trying to help her steer a pathway through this new life.

  “I haven’t had time to think about it yet,” she said. “Let me think it over. I’ll be right for a while because Greg had a good life insurance policy.”

  Madison looked around at the home that she and Greg had worked on with such care. They had turned it from an unloved, shabby little cottage into a sleek family home full of character. It sat on the hill facing north and caught the winter sun. She and Greg had enjoyed sitting out on the deck and watching the waves as they ate breakfast or relaxed after the day’s work. From up here, they could see the long thin ribbon of white sand stretching off in the distance towards Hat Head. There was always something to see: perfect swells rolling in, tiny surf-riding dots on their boards, ships on the horizon or dramatic summer thunderstorms. And they had both loved it. She couldn’t imagine leaving the life they had built together. The pain was too raw.

  “I’m sorry,” she said finally. “I can’t think about it yet.”

  Joe reached over and squeezed her hand. “Sorry for bringing it up,” he said. “It’s too soon for you.”

  They sat in silence, each person lost in thought as they watched the waves roll in.

  “He was a good man,” Ros said quietly. “It’s such a shock that he’s gone.”

  No one had an answer to that.

  Chapter 3

  A week later, Madison sat in the office, where she had been working all day. Trying to sort out their affairs was a nightmare. She had to tell so many people and businesses that Greg was gone. It had taken all day to try to make some sense of where he was up to with the house he was building. There were accounts to pay and she would have to find other tradesmen to finish the job.

  TAT! TAT! TAT! The sound of someone at the front door jolted her. Ever since that fateful night, she had been unable to hear the sound of someone knocking on the door without a start of fear. She got up and went to the living room, pushing her hair into some semblance of order as she went. She hoped she looked presentable. Jai followed her, his toy cars forgotten in his curiosity to see who was at the door.

  “Unka ‘Uke!” he cried joyously. He launched himself at Lucas, who was holding pizza boxes in one hand.

  Lucas laughed. “Hang on buddy. My hands are full!” He looked at Madison. “I brought pizza,” he said a little self-consciously. “I thought you might need a break from preparing dinner. Or whatever you were doing.” He looked around.

  “Come in. Sorry, where are my manners? I shouldn’t leave you standing out there all day.”

  They walked through to the dining room and Lucas put the pizzas on the table. “Now where’s Jai?” he asked, pretending to look all around the room.

  “Here I am, Unka ‘Uke!”

  Jai held out his arms to be picked up and Lucas scooped him up in a bear hug. Soon they were running around the room, Jai squealing with delight as Lucas gave him a piggyback ride. Madison smiled, her mood lifting. It was good to see Jai
having fun. He still asked for Daddy every night and it broke her heart to see the bewilderment on his little face every time she told him that Daddy was gone.

  Later, they sat on the deck eating pizza. The setting sun tinged the tops of the waves with gold and the horizon turned pink and blue. It was hard to imagine that the world could look so beautiful, so normal, when nothing was right or normal. It would never be that way again.

  “Greg should be here with us.” Lucas voiced the thought for both of them.

  How often had the three of them sat here watching the sunset on the waves while they ate dinner and caught up on each other’s lives? This should have been another one of those times.

  “I still can’t believe he’s gone. I still keep expecting him to come bursting into the room with all his usual energy. It’s so quiet without him,” Madison said.

  She thought about how hard it was to fall asleep without him beside her. She struggled to sleep much at all some nights, dozing in short stretches before waking with a start as the nightmare of her life pushed her into consciousness once more.

  “Are you able to sleep at night?” Lucas seemed to guess where her thoughts were headed. “You look tired.”

  She gave him a rueful look. “Is it that obvious?”

  “Do you need help with anything?”

  Many people had asked that question, but in reality, there was little they could do and she felt as if they were only being polite. It was her life and she had to learn to live it. But somehow, when Lucas asked, it was different. She could be honest with him.

  “I need help with everything. But there really isn’t much that anyone else can do. I could use a hand to get the lawnmower fixed. Greg was going to take it to the repair shop and I haven’t had time to do it. The lawn’s getting long.”

  “OK, leave it with me. I’ll take it when I go.”

  “Thank you.”

  A week later, Madison came home from a doctor’s appointment for Jai to find the lawn mowed and the lawnmower neatly stowed in the garden shed. A note on the back door told her not to worry about paying the repair shop. Everything was taken care of.

  That set the pattern for the next few months. Lucas was there in the background, unobtrusively doing little things for her that helped to ease the burden of suddenly being alone. Somehow, he always seemed to know when she’d had an especially rough day and he would turn up with food. At other times, she would find that he had mowed her lawn or done some gardening. She could have done those things herself but she knew it was his way of doing what he could to help them through their grief. She found herself looking forward to his visits and Jai adored him. Lucas always found time to play with the little boy and she knew it was good for Jai to spend time with a male role model. He seemed to be gradually forgetting about Daddy and didn't often ask for him now. It made her sad and she tried to help him remember with photos and stories of when he and Daddy had done things together.

  One day, Madison received the news she had been expecting and dreading. The coroner had ruled that Greg had died by misadventure. In other words, his death was an accident and there would be no further action taken by authorities. Relief and grief hit her together. She sat at the kitchen table and cried her eyes out.

  Finally, she looked up at the photos of Greg on the wall. Greg, playing soccer in high school. Greg holding up a fish that he had caught. Jai, looking up into his Dad’s face and laughing. That one was her favourite. Greg, his sandy hair ruffled by the wind, blue eyes laughing, a huge grin splitting his freckled face. Now he was gone and somehow, this news made it final. It tied up the last few loose ends of his life and left her completely severed from everything that had been her past.

  Madison wiped her eyes and drew a deep breath. If only she could keep the memories under control; if only she could store them in some safe place until she was ready for them. But they kept ambushing her at unexpected moments, slapping her in the face over and over again with her loss. She wasn’t strong enough to withstand them and she always ended up falling in a soggy heap of tears. Luckily, Greg couldn’t see her now. He would want her to get up and be strong, to get on with her life. It was easier said than done.

  TAT! TAT! TAT! Madison jumped at the sound of someone at the door. She still felt a start of fear every time she heard the sound. Peering through the peephole, she saw Lucas standing on the front porch. She swiped at the tears on her cheeks then opened the door.

  “Hi, Lucas.” Her voice was subdued. “Come in.”

  Lucas followed her into the living room and through the kitchen out to the back deck. They sat down in the comfortable chairs and watched the distant waves in silence.

  “It’s been a rough day, hasn’t it.” His words were a statement rather than a question.

  Unable to trust herself, she nodded. “I guess you heard the news,” she said.

  “Yes. It was the best outcome we could have hoped for. It means that in the future, I won’t be the subject of any suspicion about Greg’s death.”

  She gasped. “Oh, Lucas! You never said anything. Why didn’t I think of what it might mean for you?”

  “I didn’t want to worry you. I was pretty sure that my story would check out and thanks to my sister, it did. She verified that I was talking to her on the phone at the time I discovered that Greg was missing.”

  “I’m so sorry. I’ve been so caught up in how all this has affected me that I haven’t been paying much attention to you or other people. I’m sorry for being thoughtless.”

  “You haven’t been thoughtless.” His voice was gentle. “You’ve had a harder road to travel than the rest of us have. Be kind to yourself.”

  “Even so …” Her voice trailed off and they sat in silence, thinking about the day and all that it meant for both of them.

  “I keep thinking that Greg would want me to go back to living again. Instead, I feel like I’m existing in some kind of twilight zone that’s ruled by tears!” She gave a little laugh to soften the impact of her words but they both knew that she was sharing her inner world. She was vulnerable. And prone to tears at a moment’s notice.

  “You know, I think you’re right. Greg would probably tell you to get on with your life. But he never had the kind of experience that you’ve had. So he would’ve had no idea what it was like. As much as you loved him, he was a pretty typical bloke. Which means not very good at dealing with situations like this one.”

  “You’re right,” she sighed. “He was never great at dealing with emotions.”

  There was nothing to say, so he kept silent.

  “Why are you so good at it?” she asked suddenly.

  “Good at what?”

  “You know, this whole grief thing, all the emotional stuff …”

  He looked embarrassed. “I don’t know that I am.”

  “Oh, but you are. You know what to say and you don’t even care if I get all teary.”

  He knew he would have to come up with an answer that would satisfy her. Even if it barely touched on the truth. “Well, I’ve seen a lot of grief in my work. It hits hard when tragedy strikes someone you know.”

  Especially you, Maddie. Watching you grieve has been hard. He allowed his mind to caress the nickname, even if he would never dare to say it aloud.

  “That must be it,” she mused.

  At that moment, Jai got up from playing with his cars on the floor. He toddled over to Lucas and patted him on the knee. “Up, Unka Luke.” He was getting better at saying the name.

  Lucas picked him up, glad of the distraction.

  “Horsey ride, Unka Luke!”

  Luke hoisted Jai onto his shoulders and charged down the steps to the back yard. Jai shrieked with laughter as they galloped around the yard while Lucas made loud horse noises. Despite herself, Madison laughed at the comical sight. It was good to hear Jai’s delightful giggle. Lucas ran back up the steps, puffing, and skidded to a stop in front of Madison.

  “More, Unka Luke. More!” Jai shouted from his lofty perch.
br />   “Oh no, the horsey’s worn out. No more.”

  Madison laughed again as Lucas stuck out his tongue and panted.

  “Well, isn’t this a cosy scene.”

  The words dripped with acid. Startled, Lucas and Madison turned to see Greg’s sister Laura standing at the bottom of the stairs.

  “I came to see how Madison is going but no one answered the front door. Now I can see why. You were all too busy playing happy families. Luckily poor Greg can’t see this; it would break his heart. You wait till Mum hears about it.” She turned and stormed off.

  A moment later they heard the side gate click shut and then a vehicle roared off down the street.

  Lucas and Madison stood frozen to the spot. Guilt washed over Madison like a tsunami. How could she have allowed this to happen? Laura had always been difficult to get along with but even she paled in comparison to Helen, Greg’s mother. Who knew what trouble they would stir up? Madison knew that Laura wouldn’t hesitate to jump to conclusions about what she’d seen. Between them, she and Helen were capable of stirring the whole town into an uproar. It had happened before to other unfortunate people. She felt dread building in the pit of her stomach.

  Lucas slid Jai off his shoulders and lowered him to the floor.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “I wasn’t thinking about how it would look to other people. I’d better go now.” He made his way through the house and let himself out the front door.

  Maddison followed him, unable to think of a word to say. Her mind was in turmoil. “Thanks for coming over,” she finally managed.

  He waved as he got into his car and a moment later, he was gone. Madison watched him drive out of sight, feeling as if she would burst with the torrent of conflicting emotions coursing through her body. As if today hadn’t been hard enough to deal with, Laura had made it ten times worse. And she’d hurt Lucas, who had been so good to them in the months since Greg died.

  Madison had no strength left to deal with this new emotional assault. With a sob, she dashed inside and threw herself onto the sofa, her hands balled up into fists as she beat the smooth sofa cushions. Her hair tangled around her face and her tears left marks on the fabric, but she didn’t care. She felt so alone and for a moment, was angry at Greg for leaving her. WHY did she have to go through this? Where was God in all this mess? It wasn’t fair!